In my previous article, I wrote about being impeccable with your word and why the words we speak are so important.  However, something I feel quite passionate about is what we actually do once we have given our word, made an agreement with someone or promised to do something.

It feels to me as if some people no longer place much importance on doing what they say they’re going to do when they say they’re going to do it.  And I struggle to understand why!  Maybe it’s because people say “yes” to too many things and so don’t have the space in their lives to fit everything in.

For me, I realised that this one behaviour determined whether I felt safe with a person and whether I could trust them, or not.  I used to have a friend who consistently arrived half an hour late whenever we agreed to meet.  For a long time, I made excuses for her because I enjoyed her company.  I even started simply arriving half an hour later than agreed so that I didn’t have to wait.  And then one day I got really irritated and asked myself why I was always putting up with this treatment. 

When she arrived, I told her that the way she was treating me wasn’t ok.  I told her that it felt as if, by making me hang around and wait every time, she was telling me that her time was more important than mine and that it felt inconsiderate and disrespectful.  Because this was how she treated everybody, she failed to even remotely understand how hurtful this behaviour was, and insisted that it was because of circumstances beyond her control.  She didn’t appreciate it when I told her that she could simply leave earlier in order to be on time … if that was her priority!  Because she was unwilling to take any responsibility for the fact that she wasn’t keeping her word, and I could therefore not see this situation changing, I ended our friendship. 

This was a valuable lesson for me because it was a really scary thing to do.  I didn’t have many friends at the time and so it would have been easy to hang on to her rather than feel alone.  However, at some level I realised that I deserved better, and my sense of loneliness was preferable to the feeling that I was not worth making an effort for.  The bottom line was that I only wanted to spend time with people who felt I was important enough to be on time for, and who felt the same way I did about keeping their word.

So maybe ask yourself, “If I tell someone I will meet them a certain time, how important is it to me that I arrive on time?  How reliable am I?  Do I keep my agreements or do I feel it’s not that important … because everybody runs late anyway, don’t they?”

And then there is the relationship we have with ourselves.  How do I treat myself? Does my word mean something?  Do I behave with integrity?  How often do I promise myself, for example, that I’ll get up and go to the gym in the morning and then don’t?  These little incidences may seem of no consequence, but if we aren’t careful we slowly learn that, if we don’t keep the promises we make to ourselves, we are not to be trusted, and our own self-esteem suffers as a result.

This is all quite a minefield and was something I’d never given a moment’s thought to, but I’ve realised that it really is important!  When I used to say I’d do stuff and then didn’t, apart from treating someone else in a disrespectful way, what really got me was the niggly voice inside, my conscience maybe, which kept telling me that my behaviour wasn’t ok.  Unfortunately, though, it wasn’t quite loud enough to make me change my ways, even though the niggle kept making me feel really uncomfortable. 

Over time I’ve learned that this voice needs to be listened to immediately or it will drive me mad!  So now I stop and become quiet for a moment, allowing the voice to get louder so that I can recognise what is disturbing me and commit to myself that I will do something about it … if only to stop the nagging!

Once the issue becomes clear, it is really easy to do something about it.  All I have to do is keep my agreements or go back and speak to the person concerned to renegotiate them, and I then feel at peace.  Simple! 

I have a friend who keeps a note of all the agreements and promises she makes so that she can tick the box when they have been completed or amended.  She does so because she doesn’t want to forget any of them or let anyone down.  If you fancy playing along, why not do this for a week and see how you do?  You may do better than you expect!

Let’s get you back to living life feeling well.

This article forms part of the series (At My) Wit’s End Wisdom