Dena Robertson

Live Life Feeling Well through Acupuncture and Bioresonance

Why Setting Boundaries is Good for Your Health

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During a personal development seminar I attended in Thailand quite a few years ago, I found myself in the middle of the circle, role playing in front of the whole group of participants.  I was playing me, and I had chosen someone else to play the role of my then boyfriend.  He was trying to convince me to do something I didn’t want to do and I was constantly trying to explain my reasons for not wanting to do it.  The conflict went back and forth until the facilitator stopped us both and addressed me: “Why don’t you just say No?” he said.  At the time I was around 40 years of age and I remember looking at him as if he’d grown two heads.  I had no idea what he meant.

“If you don’t want to do something, just say No,” he reiterated.

He made it sound so simple and yet the comment scrambled my brain.  “You mean I can just say No?” I asked.  “Yes,” he said.

The other participants were all looking at me, waiting expectantly.  The prospect of saying that simple word felt absolutely excruciating.  I was 40 years old and had never said no to anybody.  With huge amounts of encouragement, I finally manage to utter “No”, and then burst into tears.  Learning how to say that one word changed my life!

In my years as an acupuncture practitioner, I have noticed that the importance of boundaries is not widely understood and we are very fortunate if we are taught this life skill as children, due to the fact that parents often simply want compliance and so don’t usually encourage it!  Setting boundaries is essential for maintaining our mental and emotional well-being. Boundaries are the limits we set around ourselves and our relationships to ensure that our needs and values are respected. They help us communicate our expectations and prevent others from taking advantage of us.

However, many people struggle with setting boundaries, either because they fear conflict or because they don’t know that they have the right to say “No!”.  It’s really tough when we have been raised to be obedient, be the “good girl or boy” or to put others’ needs before our own … to suddenly start asking for what we want.  One of my main jobs as a therapist is to encourage my adult clients to take back their power and to give them permission to be self-ish in the true sense of the word.  When we begin to look after ourselves, we set a good example for our children and discard the emotional heaviness which has been weighing us down all this time. 

The Benefits of Setting Boundaries

When we set boundaries, we take control of our lives and assert our values and needs.  They can help us:

Protect our mental and emotional health: By setting boundaries, we reduce stress and anxiety, which can lead to better mental health.

Improve our relationships: When we communicate our expectations and limits, we create healthier relationships with others, built on mutual respect and trust.

Enhance our productivity: When we set boundaries around our time and energy, we can focus on our goals and be more productive.

Develop stronger self-esteem: When we assert our boundaries, we show ourselves that we value ourselves and our needs, which can improve our self-esteem and confidence.

Have you ever wondered about the purpose of anger?  People get angry all the time but what good does it do?  All emotions are simply information … they tell us how we are feeling.  And in the case of anger, it tells us that someone has overstepped one of our boundaries. So, instead of lashing out verbally or physically, I encourage you in future to take the power of the anger and convert it into a healthy boundary.

Getting Started with Boundary-Setting

If you’re new to boundary-setting, getting started can be challenging. Here are some tips to help you:

Reflect on your values and needs: Take some time to reflect on what’s important to you and what you need to feel happy and fulfilled. This can help you identify where you need to set boundaries.

Communicate clearly and respectfully: When setting boundaries, it’s essential to communicate clearly and respectfully. Be firm but not aggressive, and avoid blaming or attacking others.

Practice self-care: Setting boundaries can be challenging, so it’s crucial to practice self-care. Take breaks when you need them, and don’t push yourself too hard.

Start small: Setting boundaries can be overwhelming, so start small. Identify one area where you need to set a boundary, and focus on that first.

Let’s get you back to living life feeling well.

This article forms part of the series (At My) Wit’s End Wisdom

The Power Of Keeping Your Word

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In my previous article, I wrote about being impeccable with your word and why the words we speak are so important.  However, something I feel quite passionate about is what we actually do once we have given our word, made an agreement with someone or promised to do something.

It feels to me as if some people no longer place much importance on doing what they say they’re going to do when they say they’re going to do it.  And I struggle to understand why!  Maybe it’s because people say “yes” to too many things and so don’t have the space in their lives to fit everything in.

For me, I realised that this one behaviour determined whether I felt safe with a person and whether I could trust them, or not.  I used to have a friend who consistently arrived half an hour late whenever we agreed to meet.  For a long time, I made excuses for her because I enjoyed her company.  I even started simply arriving half an hour later than agreed so that I didn’t have to wait.  And then one day I got really irritated and asked myself why I was always putting up with this treatment. 

When she arrived, I told her that the way she was treating me wasn’t ok.  I told her that it felt as if, by making me hang around and wait every time, she was telling me that her time was more important than mine and that it felt inconsiderate and disrespectful.  Because this was how she treated everybody, she failed to even remotely understand how hurtful this behaviour was, and insisted that it was because of circumstances beyond her control.  She didn’t appreciate it when I told her that she could simply leave earlier in order to be on time … if that was her priority!  Because she was unwilling to take any responsibility for the fact that she wasn’t keeping her word, and I could therefore not see this situation changing, I ended our friendship. 

This was a valuable lesson for me because it was a really scary thing to do.  I didn’t have many friends at the time and so it would have been easy to hang on to her rather than feel alone.  However, at some level I realised that I deserved better, and my sense of loneliness was preferable to the feeling that I was not worth making an effort for.  The bottom line was that I only wanted to spend time with people who felt I was important enough to be on time for, and who felt the same way I did about keeping their word.

So maybe ask yourself, “If I tell someone I will meet them a certain time, how important is it to me that I arrive on time?  How reliable am I?  Do I keep my agreements or do I feel it’s not that important … because everybody runs late anyway, don’t they?”

And then there is the relationship we have with ourselves.  How do I treat myself? Does my word mean something?  Do I behave with integrity?  How often do I promise myself, for example, that I’ll get up and go to the gym in the morning and then don’t?  These little incidences may seem of no consequence, but if we aren’t careful we slowly learn that, if we don’t keep the promises we make to ourselves, we are not to be trusted, and our own self-esteem suffers as a result.

This is all quite a minefield and was something I’d never given a moment’s thought to, but I’ve realised that it really is important!  When I used to say I’d do stuff and then didn’t, apart from treating someone else in a disrespectful way, what really got me was the niggly voice inside, my conscience maybe, which kept telling me that my behaviour wasn’t ok.  Unfortunately, though, it wasn’t quite loud enough to make me change my ways, even though the niggle kept making me feel really uncomfortable. 

Over time I’ve learned that this voice needs to be listened to immediately or it will drive me mad!  So now I stop and become quiet for a moment, allowing the voice to get louder so that I can recognise what is disturbing me and commit to myself that I will do something about it … if only to stop the nagging!

Once the issue becomes clear, it is really easy to do something about it.  All I have to do is keep my agreements or go back and speak to the person concerned to renegotiate them, and I then feel at peace.  Simple! 

I have a friend who keeps a note of all the agreements and promises she makes so that she can tick the box when they have been completed or amended.  She does so because she doesn’t want to forget any of them or let anyone down.  If you fancy playing along, why not do this for a week and see how you do?  You may do better than you expect!

Let’s get you back to living life feeling well.

This article forms part of the series (At My) Wit’s End Wisdom

Be Impeccable With Your Word

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Have you ever given any thought to the impact you have on the people you meet and how your words and thoughts even affect how you feel about yourself?

Growing up, I wasn’t a particularly happy teenager and my hormones made me sullen, judgemental and argumentative!  I felt misunderstood and very sorry for myself and my learned behaviour (family pattern) was that of both victim and martyr.  I felt unloved and unlovable, but learned very quickly, that telling my “poor me” stories at least gave me something to talk about and seemingly made me interesting!   They helped me feel connected and understood … but not necessarily by people who were good for me!

After a few years though I came to the conclusion that there was nothing uplifting about the friendships I was creating … we thrived on negativity.  And every time I made a new friend or started a new relationship, it never lasted.  I eventually realised that I didn’t like who I’d become and so it was no surprise when they didn’t seem to like me much either!  It happened too frequently to be a coincidence and I finally accepted that if anything was going to change, I would have to actively decide to change it.

I started watching what I was saying and if I didn’t have anything good to say, I practised saying nothing.  It was tough!  I tried not to gossip but rather to see the best in people.  That was tough too!  Slowly but surely I saw how my words were a declaration of exactly who I was, and I no longer wanted to appear to be that negative person.

Around that time, I was blessed to meet a lovely soul called Helena.  Oh my God!  She was so positive ABOUT EVERYTHING and everyone loved her (and still do!)!  She constantly had a smile on her face and used to regularly declare “I love my life” even though her life seemed pretty normal to me!  She was like an angel who had been sent to model for me how a positive person comes across in the world.  And, to this day, I still feel bad when I catch myself making a negative comment, and when I can’t find the best, most integrity lead response instead, I ask myself “What would Helena say?”  That always puts me back on the right path and I would absolutely recommend that you find your own version of Helena to inspire you too.

So why are the words we speak so important?

  • They show the world exactly who we are.
  • They indicate our intentions.
  • They reflect the level of our integrity, or lack of it.
  • Once out, they cannot be taken back.
  • Our self-talk determines our self-esteem.
  • They all create an impression and have consequences. 

Take a look at children, for example.  They are so receptive and, until they get older and more cynical, believe everything they are told.  Tell a child they are stupid or clever and they will develop accordingly, or when a doctor gives a prognosis of 6 months, that person’s life often unfolds according to that timeframe.  So, one word can affect someone’s whole life and you never know the impact you have had.

If this resonates with you and you really want to challenge yourself, why not try this exercise?  For one day, be aware of and responsible for EVERY word that comes out of your mouth and, if you haven’t got anything positive to say, keep quiet!  If you decide to play along, it means no moaning, no blaming, no gossiping, no judging.  Have fun with this!  You may be surprised what you learn!

So, if you replace the negativity with positive stories, only speak well of others, practise gratitude for your blessings and accept people as they are, then life will become easier and your health, as well as your relationship with yourself, will improve!  It’s radical, I know … but any improvements will make you feel better.  I promise!

And if this has piqued your interest, take a look at the sister piece of this article … it’s about keeping your word and what happens when you don’t!

Let’s get you back to living life feeling well.

This article forms part of the series (At My) Wit’s End Wisdom

Are Your Headaches Causing You a Headache?

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People often ask me what acupuncture is good for, believing that it’s only a musculoskeletal treatment, which may help back pain, neck pain and things like sciatica.  And whereas it is great for dealing with these, for me the magic happens when I’m asked to sort out deeper issues, such as menstrual and gynaecological issues (including fertility and menopause), sleep patterns, stress, digestive disturbances and headaches. 

These symptoms have many causes.  It’s when confronted by complex issues such as these, when I have to turn into Sherlock Holmes to get to the bottom of why such symptoms are presenting, that I enjoy my work the most … and where the most job satisfaction is to be found.  Living with pain is so debilitating and when it disappears, it’s like a miracle.

I’m reminded of a lady in her late forties who came to see me about her headaches.  During the diagnosis, when asking her to describe various aspects of these headaches, I asked how often she had them and her reply was, “Oh, you know, about as often as most people.”  “And how often do you think most people actually have headaches?” I asked.  “About 4-5 times a week,” she replied.  “Would it surprise you to know that many people don’t have headaches at all, and that that is normal?” I asked.  She just looked at me in shock as she digested the implication of my words, and a few weeks later hers were completely gone.

According to the Migraine Trust, between 15% and 23% of the adult population in the UK (around 10 million adults) are affected by migraines, and that statistic doesn’t include those people who “just” have “normal” headaches.  It seems as if there is a lot of pain being endured out there.

My lady client had taken the usual medication and it had never helped and so she became resigned to the fact that this was simply something she would have to live with.  If the medical profession couldn’t help, then there was nothing else to do.  Does this sound familiar?

Years later people are now far more open to other options and acupuncture can work wonders, as long as it is done by someone with the correct training (3-4 years) and not someone who learned where a few points are on a weekend course (dry needling).

The reason it’s important to have done the correct amount of training is that, in order to be able to treat effectively, you need to understand how energy flows through your body, what happens when it gets stuck and causes pain, and how to resolve the issue.  So, if you ever decide to try acupuncture, make sure you ask how long the acupuncturist’s study period was.  Anything less than 3 years and I would advise that you look elsewhere.

So, why is the flow of your body’s energy or Qi (pronounced chee) so important?  You’re probably aware of the network of blood capillaries which take blood around your body, well imagine there is a similar network, which you can’t actually see, taking your energy around as well.

The Chinese liken this network to a river with no beginning or end, but which flows in a circuit up, down and around your body.  If the water flows smoothly then all is well and you are in good health.  Now imagine a tree falls across the river and impedes flow.  What happens then?  Well, the area leading up to the tree will become waterlogged and swollen as the water isn’t able to flow through, and on the other side of the tree, the ground becomes dry and cracked as the earth is no longer being nourished by the water.

And so it is with your body.  If something impedes the flow of Qi, symptoms occur.  You may suffer from water retention, such as swollen ankles, or you may feel malnourished, for example with dry eyes or dry skin.  The job of the acupuncturist is then to determine where the “tree” has fallen across the river, lift it out of the way by selecting certain acupuncture points, and thus restore flow and vibrant health.

This can be relatively simple, as in the case of sciatica, or quite complicated if the cause is more internal.  Let’s take headaches as an example.

There are 12 different types of headache in Chinese Medicine, and that means that there are 12 different treatments!  We don’t have a “one size fits all” approach.  Everyone has their own personal and specific treatment.  Sometimes, 2 of the headaches may even appear at different times of the day or the month, e.g. a pounding headache before menstruation (a bit like PMT) and then a dull ache after the period has finished (when you are weakened as a result of the blood loss), so the permutations are endless.  And that is what makes acupuncture so amazing.

There are several major causes of headaches in Chinese Medicine, but the main ones are:

  • Our emotions (anger, worry, overthinking, fear)
  • Overwork (which weakens the body)
  • Diet (overeating, fatty or sugary food, hot spicy food, cold/raw food)
  • Weather (too much wind or thundery conditions)

We also diagnose which type of headache we are dealing with by looking at:

  • Onset (sudden or gradual, acute or chronic)
  • Time of Day (do you wake with it or does it not come till the evening?)
  • Location (forehead, eyes, temple, one side, top, back or whole of head)
  • Type of Pain (strong, weak, throbbing, splitting, dull)
  • What makes it better/worse (movement, stress, food, period, lying down)

So, you receive your own personalised headache treatment … no one person is the same and neither is their headache!

If you are one of those people who sometimes feels as if their head is going to explode, acupuncture may be the answer to your prayers!  Call someone today and have a chat.  The British Acupuncture Council has a directory if you don’t know anyone yourself. This could be the first day of the rest of your life … without headaches! 

Let’s get you back to living life feeling well.

This article forms part of the series (At My) Wit’s End Wisdom